If I want to be really honest, I miss my old, comfortable life - the life where I was known as the girl with six siblings, who, for the most part, were smart and respectful and obedient. We weren't even close to perfect, but we had a routine and we lived life that way.
I was comfortable.
But God. But God. But God.
He knew I was too comfortable. I was living in a place where I didn't have to strive to serve Him or trust in Him. Nothing happened. Life was easy. I went to church and prayed a prayer, but when did I ever have to show Him to others?
All that has changed. Life is far from easy and that's why I cry. It hurts. The sobs rack and the tears sting as much as it does to be patient and patient and patient. Patience. Love is patient, love is kind.
And maybe, when I step back, it's not that hard, but it hurts for the moment. And maybe, it's not even the adoption that hurts, but my heart under the pressure of The Potter's hands. He is kneading and pressing and shaping. Jesus is helping me, just like I need Him to. Throwing off the old life I had when life was easy to embrace this new life with ten siblings and an even bigger family.
So instead of being proud for my tearless eyes, I've realized that these tears are healing. It's not wrong to mourn the past life I had, but it's wrong to dwell on it. I will look ahead to the time when I wake up and I know, just know, these kids are my siblings.
LORD, CONTINUE TO SHAPE AND MOLD MY HEART, HEAD, AND HANDS. I CAN STAND THE GROWING PAINS.