If I want to be really honest, I miss my old, comfortable life - the life where I was known as the girl with six siblings, who, for the most part, were smart and respectful and obedient. We weren't even close to perfect, but we had a routine and we lived life that way.
I was comfortable.
But God. But God. But God.
He knew I was too comfortable. I was living in a place where I didn't have to strive to serve Him or trust in Him. Nothing happened. Life was easy. I went to church and prayed a prayer, but when did I ever have to show Him to others?
All that has changed. Life is far from easy and that's why I cry. It hurts. The sobs rack and the tears sting as much as it does to be patient and patient and patient. Patience. Love is patient, love is kind.
And maybe, when I step back, it's not that hard, but it hurts for the moment. And maybe, it's not even the adoption that hurts, but my heart under the pressure of The Potter's hands. He is kneading and pressing and shaping. Jesus is helping me, just like I need Him to. Throwing off the old life I had when life was easy to embrace this new life with ten siblings and an even bigger family.
So instead of being proud for my tearless eyes, I've realized that these tears are healing. It's not wrong to mourn the past life I had, but it's wrong to dwell on it. I will look ahead to the time when I wake up and I know, just know, these kids are my siblings. 
LORD, CONTINUE TO SHAPE AND MOLD MY HEART, HEAD, AND HANDS. I CAN STAND THE GROWING PAINS.
uh-oh. she said it. But God.
ReplyDeleteamen to everything, darling. great post :))
-jocee <3
This is how i feel sometimes! I have 2 adopted sisters from Ghana (in west Africa). They have been here 4 years now. And its still hard sometimes! :( But somehow i get though it. And i know you will to!
ReplyDeleteHugs and Prayers
Hosanna
Really needed to read this, thank you so much for being an encouragement! ♥
ReplyDeleteThe Lord is using you to open eyes.
- Kae
loved it.
ReplyDeletebeautiful piece. even in the rending, He is there to offer hope and healing. you're gonna make it, Olivia, and you are doing what you need to do--resisting bitterness by naming this grace gift that God is working in your life. it is a choice. and i'm proud of you for the choices you are making even though they are painful and difficult many a time. keep holding on.
ReplyDeletepraying for you, and glad to know how i can pray even more specifically. you are precious. absolutely. wonderfully. made. His precious daughter. don't ever, ever forget that.
Adding four children to your family at once has got to be hard! Especially when you had such a big family to begin with, but eventually things will run smoothly again! :) Great post, Olivia!
ReplyDeletewow, i'm sorry this is so painful for you :( i understand. hope things turn up soon ;)
ReplyDeletexo,
j
This is a beautiful post. I really, really admire you. And I'll be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteKatie
love this, Olivia. probably my new favorite post of yours... thank you!
ReplyDeleteWow Livvie, this is great. I've been feeling the same way lately, the pressure of God's hand changing me. And yeah, healing hurts a lot. But God will help us through it! Love you! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Olivia.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful example, not just in your speech and writing, but in your actions, your attitude. It's so obvious that you love God, and you love your family, and that are willing to go through so much for both. I understand that this is a difficult time for you--but you're still so strong. And even when you feel like you can't do it...God can. :-) He'll provide you with the strength you need.
I can't tell you how much I admire and respect you. I'm so glad that I met you. :-)
wow, I can so relate. I haven't gone through the whole adoption thing, but boy can I understand where you are coming from! me and you both girl.
ReplyDeleteThis was such an inspiring post! Your love for God and your family is amazing... it encourages me so much!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post! I feel for you: it must be hard to bring in 4 children that are almost complete opposites from your "original" family. I'll be praying for you and your family. It's such a wonderful thing that you all did! God bless!
ReplyDeleteP.S. I sang this song earlier this year with my choir. Maybe you've heard of it. http://youtu.be/bgXL3y9RIbI
This is how i feel sometimes! I have 2 adopted sisters from Ghana (its in west Africa) They have been here 4 years now. And its hard, to say the least, but its also great! But somehow i get though and i know you will to!
ReplyDeleteHugs and Prayers!
Hosanna
Well done. And I know what you mean. I feel awful about it but sometimes when we are in the middle of screaming fits I just want to send her back. awful? Harsh? Yes. But true. It's hard. Beautiful, yes. But very, very hard.
ReplyDeleteAmen Olivia! Just remember God put those kids in your life for a reason! :) He knows when we get too comfortable, sometimes we grow away from him, or just stay where we're at instead of striving for me of him! :D I can't say I know how you feel, because I don't. I've never had a new sibling, that isn't my actual sibling come into my life, I'm sure it is hard. Sometimes God shows us though, that we are just stuck in our own little world,Have you ever heard Matthew West's song, My Own Little World? It's so good, Anyway, as I was saying, where we only think of ourselves! Belive me, I do it all the time!
ReplyDeleteJust remember God makes everything happen for a reason! - Those kids had no family, and look, now they do! Don't lose hope! I will be praying. :)
Oh wow, Olivia. I so needed to hear this. We got home from China exactly three weeks ago with two new brothers and it's been so hard. This was such an encouraging post and i love how honest it was! You pretty much wrote everything i've been thinking. Thank you so much for writing this! It was beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Olivia - this was an amazing post. The pictures were very meaninful, too. I'd encourage you with the song "Blessings" by Laura Story. You have a beautiful heart!
ReplyDeletesuch powerful words. mulling them over.
ReplyDeletethank you oliva!